The Umbilical Brothers
“Curious fans often ask, “”Where do those guys come from?””, and then “”Can they go back there?”” So, in response to a couple of requests, The Umbilical Brothers were asked by this site to sit down and write something serious about themselves. With this in mind, they have submitted the following personal biographies…
The biographical details Shane gave us are slightly questionable, but here goes:
Born twelve thousand years ago on the planet Zargoth, Shane was raised by space bunnies until he was old enough to hop on his own. Hoping to make a name for himself in the Quargo System as a hard-bitten space mercenary, he trained at the Lenny Spiegelman Academy for Astro Cadets. (Don’t try and find it today, the site was bought out by a roller disco, which subsequently burnt to the ground.)
It was during his first training mission that he pressed the wrong button and ejected himself to Earth, landing in his “”parents”” backyard in suburban Australia, which is not unlike his home planet. There he spent many happy years mowing lawns and watching television – often simultaneously. It is rumoured that he worked in a paramilitary organisation in the mid-eighties, possibly the Brownies, but details are understandably sketchy.
Shane continued to harbor dreams of space cadetship and came to the conclusion that if he couldn’t fly for real, he could at least pretend – either in a loony bin or on stage. It was in that loony bin he met David, his brother and comrade in stupid ideas. The rest is history. Shane has twenty-seven sisters and an imaginary friend called Bruce, who is apparently a blue rhino. Shane has never been to the Oscars, unless you count the open day, which he found quite impressive.
David describes himself as a massively underdeveloped genius who doesn’t like the word pungent, and believes luck is a state of mind. For 6 years David tried to be Arnold Schwarzenegger, but “”society”” dictated that he couldn’t because he didn’t look or sound anything like him. Oh “”society””, when will you learn? Tragedy is a lack of imagination. David can run the 100meter sprint in world record time. Not from a standing start, but with the wind behind him and running down a very steep hill. He is often found yelling at audiences “”If you can’t see what’s happening, you’re not using your ears!”” Suffice to say, he’s a bit odd. Warning: Too much David Collins can result in chaffing, irregular heartbeat or even death. If you or a loved one has seen David Collins perform, contact the law offices of Clem Funknuckle.
Here is a TV interview the boys did in Australia. The ABC network here wouldn’t allow them to use the footage without paying an enormous fee, so they’ve had to resort to a written transcript. You’ll just have to imagine what they did physically, which they said was absolutely hilarious.